The Gravitational Pull of Yogurt
by Amestris
Summary: With nothing on the TV that's educatinal and the fact that the remote doesn't work, Rick has come up with one solution...The Gravitational Pull of Yogurt. From the deluded mind of Alice 8D


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_**The Gravitational Pull of Yogurt**_

**_(Brought to you by the demented mind of Alice Vulcan 8D)_**

**_"Purple elephants are flying."—River, Serenity_**

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Rick didn't know why he was stuck on the couch, watching a soap opera. Hell, he didn't want to. Earth was monotone and boring next to "Great Race" of Oban, though he was nearly killed three times. Yeah, near death, three times, damn good time. Boring, boring, boring described the house that Rick shared with Don, Eva, Stan, Koji and Jordan. It was a seriously messed up version of _Full House_, as Eva tried to strangle Jordan (_"God, Eva! We need to get you a mood ring when your PMS-ing! And I though Don was bitchy!_) for one of his less-than-intelligent retorts during the time of Eva's 'monthly cycle', and to the current time, Jordan still had to lock his door, less he wanted to be suffocated by a pissed-off team mate. Stan and Koji had gotten on Don's bad side (_"What the hell do you mean 'Do it over?' We worked on this for five months, you bastard!_) as Don promptly told them the Aero 3 needed a new paint job. And Rick…he just ran away and hid in the small broom cupboard under the stairs until it was a grenade free zone, the poor dear.

"_Oh, Thorn, forgive me! I shall never sleep with Leaf again, for as long as I live!" _Rick's eyebrows rose. The said man's eyebrows began to twitch as the man tore off the woman's shirt, and threw her to the bed. The woman called to the man. The ex-racer, who was now about read to throw the remote at the TV, looked at the remote, back to the TV and to the remote once again. The batteries had gone dry…the batteries were upstairs…he could get up to change the channel to _TV Land_ or…he could _throw_ the remote at the TV and stop both his and the TV's misery. No, all of those required moving and energy, none of which Rick wished to spend. He would kill to see Eva strangling Jordan. But Don and the boys left for the Indies races, and Eva was upstairs, most likely trying to figure out various was to kill Jordan, or Stan, or Koji, or Don, or Rick himself. Rick watched in dawning horror of the scene in soap opera he was watching. Rick only had one person to resort to.

"If you love me, God, strike me down!" Rick called up to the ceiling, still debating whether to throw the plastic remote at the TV set or not. Out side, a large _boom_ and a flash of lighting burst through the heavy green curtains. Rick jumped, dropped the remote, and lost the two old batteries. Cursing God and whatever other entities out there, Rick bent over, scooped the batteries in his hands and sat back up. He was distracted from his job of shoving the batteries into the remote, not from the erotic scene on the TV, but the creature in front of him. Eva was dressed in her usual pajamas, a tank top, hip-cut sweat pants and ballet shoes, but the fact that she was holding two, new, _shiny_ batteries, a cup of yogurt, and a spoon, made Rick wish that he had the power to move to hug the woman in front of him. Eva, perhaps sensing Rick's happiness, grabbed the remote, shoved the batteries in and tossed it back to him.

"Scoot over, Rick. I'm coming in!" Eva chirped, clearing Rick's tense body and crashing into the small space between the couch and Rick's backside. Eva pulled the aluminum top off her cup of store bought yogurt and tossed it over the armrest, stabbing her spoon into the fluffy material. She took one look of the TV, dropped the spoon filled with yogurt, snatched the remote and turned the TV channel to some random cartoon. Eva precariously picked up the spoon, none of the yogurt astray, wiped back of the spoon on the knee of her pants and stuck it in her mouth. She wiggled her eyebrows at Rick and proffered him the spoon. Rick shook his head, looked at the screen and clapped his right hand over Eva's eyes.

"God, Rick, you're the only one who watches the damn TV, so you have no one to blame but yourself!" She yipped at him. Rick winced and yelped, trying to place his left hand over one of Eva's ear and shoving her head into the cushions of the couch. Eva shoved her spoon, her eyes still covered, into the yogurt cup and took out a large spoonful. She popped it into her mouth and dug the butt end of the spoon into Rick's thigh. He yelped and took his hands off Eva's person, though he kept one hand clapped over the young woman's eyes. Eva muttered something, gathered more yogurt and licked the froth of the fluffy food off the spoon before turning her head to Rick.

"You know, Rick," Eva began, gathering more yogurt, "I am really sick of all this sexuality on the TV we, us _kids_," Eva continued spinning the spoon around and around, not one drop of the food on the couch, Rick or herself, "are still young! We don't want to know what is going on in the world of sexually active adults, you know! I mean, you should hear Jordan!" Eva rambled. Rick wasn't paying attention, as his eyes were locked on the spoon. It twirled around and around and around and around, never stopping and never loosing one drop of yogurt. Rick snatched the spoon and held it experimentally upside down. _Plop_. Eva stopped her rambles to snatch back the spoon and lick the remaining pink foam off. Rick grumbled something under his breath and gathered the yogurt off his pant leg. Eva laughed, and looked at the screen. With a frown, she turned to Rick.

"_The Holy and the Profane_, _Feel Good Hentai_ or _Barney_." Eva said, flicking though the availed channels. Rick raised an eyebrow, as if saying: _You know which one_. Eva grinned at Rick and flicked the channel to _Barney_. Rick grabbed the yogurt cup and smiled at Eva. Ah, the gravitational pull of yogurt was a wonderful, mysterious thing…

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It is pretty amazing what one can think of when she's wired on two bottles of Mountain Dew and _The Amityville Horror_. This was brought to you by the demented mind of Alice Vulcan! 8D


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